Farkles! F800GS hand guards

Fark me! (Yes, cheap pun.)

Regular visitors to mondo will recall that I recently returned to modern two-wheeled motoring with a BMW F800GS ‘adventure’ bike – think big trailie, enduro etc – which was something of a sea change following several years astride 1950s ’cycles.

Having ridden the GS for a few weeks I can truly say it’s a great machine – probably the best contemporary bike I’ve ever owned. Wonderful handling, excellent braking, fabulous fuel economy, what’s not to like?

Well, a couple of things… Despite my being six feet with an almost 33in inside leg, the F8GS feels very tall – great when you’re in motion, tricky at rest. I can ‘flat-foot’ the bike by scooching my arse with a slight sideways shift and balls-of-the-feet is no problem so maybe it’s simply because I’ve put a lot of miles on the Enfield of late and the GS is a very different experience – like moving from a very small thing to…er, something quite a bit bigger.

Thing two, BMW deleted the ‘miles remaining’ fuel readout from the on-board computer’s software for the 2011 model, a fact which had escaped me until I scrolled through the options on my 2012 machine, pored over the manual, decided I was being stupid and asked how to invoke the feature at an online forum receiving the answer as above.

Bugger! Deleted following accusations of inaccuracy apparently. Yeah well maybe, but even a fuzzy indicator is better than no indicator especially for one who invariably forgets to reset the trip (ie, me).

But that’s it. I can’t fault the machine otherwise, it’s glorious.

There’s nothing I can do about the fuel option other than remember to use the trip, but I can gain a little more reach in the leg with the OEM low seat and I’m actively searching for a secondhand example. Other accessories: I’d like crash bars from Adventure Spec which offer spectacular protection in an off or if you drop the machine – a distinct possibility when out with novice riders cos they’re always making sudden stops and turns or else riding off somewhere they shouldn’t.

For the same reason I also wanted to get hand guards to save the levers and provide a little protection from the elements.

Time for a rummage.

First find was indeed hand guards, in this case the OEM guards from BMW, universally considered highly effective. Sold to me secondhand at just less than half the list price (yes, residuals are good – if you’re selling!).

BMW’s own highly-regarded hand guards, manufactured (I believe) by Touratech. 

These came with the large plastic ‘protectors’ but minus the wind ‘spoiler’ and despite a few scuffs are in pretty good shape (though one of the mounting bolts was bent suggesting a bit of a bump previously). Ne’er mind, they have life in ’em yet.

M8 stand-in bolt for the bent Allen screw as pictured above

Mounting is simple: remove the bar-end weights with a T55 torx bit (T40 on earlier models), and install with the the replacement end weights slotted to take the guard and a clamp at the other end. Without instructions and with no downloads detailing the guards at BMW’s website, I didn’t have torque values so I snugged them up good and tight but without hauling on them. I’ll check the fasteners in a week or two to ensure they’re tight.

Now to save 14 quid by making the spoilers…

Fitted, the guards look good but I wondered whether they might be big and clumsy on the move (I loathe bar-end mirrors for example) but not a bit of it. There’s some wind protection and they’re not in the least distracting.

Wonder if I can homebrew the spoilers from stout black plastic and thereby save 14 quid?

No dyce

Triumph, Harley and (yes!) Honda dealer Skip Fordyce set up shop in 1941 in Riverside, California after a career in daredevil riding during the 1930s. Within a few years and following a move to larger premises at 3698 14th Street, Fordyce was popularly credited with having America’s largest motorcycle dealership. The Fordyce Riverside Harley dealership was sold in 2013.

If ever the Devil’s plan…

…was made to torment man, it was you, Davida Classic, it was you…

(With apologies to Frankie Laine.)

Ladies and gentlemen, the Davida Classic, premium pudding basin and leather-neck lid for the discerning rocker about town, here in Phil Read guise.

Phil Read sports the original…

I love this helmet. I’ve owned it a while and it never fails to give me a rush of adrenalin. There’s nothing better aboard my ’53 Thunderbird especially when paired with Hinckley Triumph’s own 1950s fur-collared leather James Dean series jacket (though I had to take a sharp knife to the bicep patches bearing ‘Triumph’ and Dean’s signature respectively).

Yes, superficial I know, but for me the biking experience is best when the collar matches the cuffs – or at least when the outfit matches the bike – and when I’m riding a ’50s machine I wanna parade in ’50s clothing or a reasonable replica (though I would draw the line at tweed knickerbockers and a deerstalker if I was entered for the Banbury – no sense in looking like a twat).

Alas, the Davida meets no known laws of compliance other than those to be found in say, darkest Peru or possibly on the Moon. In other words, wear it and you risk giving, as Flanders might say, your noggin a floggin‘ and breaking the law to boot. Frankly, it’s your choice, as indeed, until recently, it was mine, but now, working as a bike instructor, I really cannot be spotted out and about wearing my fragile beauty and so, breaking my heart though it is to do it, the helmet is hereby consigned to a new owner.

NB in best pompous git mode, I do not suggest buying secondhand helmets is a good idea, it’s a very bad idea. However with the Davida providing little or no protection in the modern sense of the word, acquiring a pre-enjoyed example makes little difference other than possibly a mighty cash saving. As always, your choice.