Farkles! F800GS hand guards

Fark me! (Yes, cheap pun.)

Regular visitors to mondo will recall that I recently returned to modern two-wheeled motoring with a BMW F800GS ‘adventure’ bike – think big trailie, enduro etc – which was something of a sea change following several years astride 1950s ’cycles.

Having ridden the GS for a few weeks I can truly say it’s a great machine – probably the best contemporary bike I’ve ever owned. Wonderful handling, excellent braking, fabulous fuel economy, what’s not to like?

Well, a couple of things… Despite my being six feet with an almost 33in inside leg, the F8GS feels very tall – great when you’re in motion, tricky at rest. I can ‘flat-foot’ the bike by scooching my arse with a slight sideways shift and balls-of-the-feet is no problem so maybe it’s simply because I’ve put a lot of miles on the Enfield of late and the GS is a very different experience – like moving from a very small thing to…er, something quite a bit bigger.

Thing two, BMW deleted the ‘miles remaining’ fuel readout from the on-board computer’s software for the 2011 model, a fact which had escaped me until I scrolled through the options on my 2012 machine, pored over the manual, decided I was being stupid and asked how to invoke the feature at an online forum receiving the answer as above.

Bugger! Deleted following accusations of inaccuracy apparently. Yeah well maybe, but even a fuzzy indicator is better than no indicator especially for one who invariably forgets to reset the trip (ie, me).

But that’s it. I can’t fault the machine otherwise, it’s glorious.

There’s nothing I can do about the fuel option other than remember to use the trip, but I can gain a little more reach in the leg with the OEM low seat and I’m actively searching for a secondhand example. Other accessories: I’d like crash bars from Adventure Spec which offer spectacular protection in an off or if you drop the machine – a distinct possibility when out with novice riders cos they’re always making sudden stops and turns or else riding off somewhere they shouldn’t.

For the same reason I also wanted to get hand guards to save the levers and provide a little protection from the elements.

Time for a rummage.

First find was indeed hand guards, in this case the OEM guards from BMW, universally considered highly effective. Sold to me secondhand at just less than half the list price (yes, residuals are good – if you’re selling!).

BMW’s own highly-regarded hand guards, manufactured (I believe) by Touratech. 

These came with the large plastic ‘protectors’ but minus the wind ‘spoiler’ and despite a few scuffs are in pretty good shape (though one of the mounting bolts was bent suggesting a bit of a bump previously). Ne’er mind, they have life in ’em yet.

M8 stand-in bolt for the bent Allen screw as pictured above

Mounting is simple: remove the bar-end weights with a T55 torx bit (T40 on earlier models), and install with the the replacement end weights slotted to take the guard and a clamp at the other end. Without instructions and with no downloads detailing the guards at BMW’s website, I didn’t have torque values so I snugged them up good and tight but without hauling on them. I’ll check the fasteners in a week or two to ensure they’re tight.

Now to save 14 quid by making the spoilers…

Fitted, the guards look good but I wondered whether they might be big and clumsy on the move (I loathe bar-end mirrors for example) but not a bit of it. There’s some wind protection and they’re not in the least distracting.

Wonder if I can homebrew the spoilers from stout black plastic and thereby save 14 quid?

No dyce

Triumph, Harley and (yes!) Honda dealer Skip Fordyce set up shop in 1941 in Riverside, California after a career in daredevil riding during the 1930s. Within a few years and following a move to larger premises at 3698 14th Street, Fordyce was popularly credited with having America’s largest motorcycle dealership. The Fordyce Riverside Harley dealership was sold in 2013.

If ever the Devil’s plan…

…was made to torment man, it was you, Davida Classic, it was you…

(With apologies to Frankie Laine.)

Ladies and gentlemen, the Davida Classic, premium pudding basin and leather-neck lid for the discerning rocker about town, here in Phil Read guise.

Phil Read sports the original…

I love this helmet. I’ve owned it a while and it never fails to give me a rush of adrenalin. There’s nothing better aboard my ’53 Thunderbird especially when paired with Hinckley Triumph’s own 1950s fur-collared leather James Dean series jacket (though I had to take a sharp knife to the bicep patches bearing ‘Triumph’ and Dean’s signature respectively).

Yes, superficial I know, but for me the biking experience is best when the collar matches the cuffs – or at least when the outfit matches the bike – and when I’m riding a ’50s machine I wanna parade in ’50s clothing or a reasonable replica (though I would draw the line at tweed knickerbockers and a deerstalker if I was entered for the Banbury – no sense in looking like a twat).

Alas, the Davida meets no known laws of compliance other than those to be found in say, darkest Peru or possibly on the Moon. In other words, wear it and you risk giving, as Flanders might say, your noggin a floggin‘ and breaking the law to boot. Frankly, it’s your choice, as indeed, until recently, it was mine, but now, working as a bike instructor, I really cannot be spotted out and about wearing my fragile beauty and so, breaking my heart though it is to do it, the helmet is hereby consigned to a new owner.

NB in best pompous git mode, I do not suggest buying secondhand helmets is a good idea, it’s a very bad idea. However with the Davida providing little or no protection in the modern sense of the word, acquiring a pre-enjoyed example makes little difference other than possibly a mighty cash saving. As always, your choice.

In with the new

Something of a departure for me: BMW’s F800GS ‘adventure’ bike. Here in 2012 Triple Black guise.

Never had a BMW before but recently, to supplement my ever-dwindling journalism (the rise of the bloody internet, about which I made a killing in the middle-90s writing books and endless features, has now all but put me out of work) I’ve been passing the days part-time as a bike instructor. It’s fun and enjoyable work (yes, even when it’s raining) but a Chennai Royal Enfield in trials trim is not the ideal mount – slow, loud, at best only adequately braked and with no protection. Time to find something new…

Mine. Forgive the lousy pic – it’s pissing down and I don’t want to get wet

I wanted a sit-up riding position for obvious reasons which is where the RE scores to advantage. Push-button starting, good brakes, good fuel economy and sturdy construction were important factors too. For a while I considered a Hinckley Bonnie but frankly, I’ve grown weary of fake classics.

For that reason the cast-wheel Bonnie began to appeal over the wire wheel variety but there’s just something a bit…well, fugly about the bike that I can’t get beyond. Forgive me if your opinion differs but beauty, as is generally accepted, is in the eye of the beholder and this beholder can’t quite equate squat 17-inch cast wheels, a weird fork rake and the bulbous injected Bonnie tank with anything other than a bike that looks like it’s had a front-end shunt.

Okeh so BMW? Well, I’ve never had one and never wanted one. Despite loving Dougie flat twins I’ve never fancied the bottom-heavy breadth of a boxer twin – akin to marrying the top half of the cute-as-a-button Jessica Ennis with the lower quarters of…well, a big fat girl.

Loved by my students but it’s time to give the Bullet a breather

I do, though, like trials, trail and adventure-styled bikes and a rummage online (yes, the internet has its uses) led from the BMW Funduro of the late ’90s via the F650GS single through 650GS twin to the F800GS, 85bhp, twin discs up front, stunning fuel economy, great poise (underseat tank) and…well, you get the picture. It’s a bike you’d love or loathe but I love it!

And – joy of joys! – heated grips! OMG (as young people say) these things are fabulous! (Three exclamation marks in a single line – must be good right?) Yes, aftermarket heated grips are available but generally wouldn’t be sufficiently powered by the types of bike I usually ride and plus, they’re chunky and unwieldy. The BMW grips, allied with hand guards, will keep my dreaded nemesis the evil Dr White Finger at bay.

For a mad moment I also considered the KTM 640 LC4. A lovely bike and dirt cheap, but maybe just a tinsy bit outré for an instructor?

KTM LC4: cool, but not quite the thing when instructing

Oddly enough and despite my expectations, all of my students have heaped praise on the Bullet. It’s a real talking point, and lots of students ask for permission to sit on it which I readily give. At about 40mph in third it’s gloriously on song and despite the exhaust note being heard over the two-way radios, no-one has objected.

But now all that’s just so much fossilised carbon burnt under the bridge. Now it’s onwards to the F800GS…