In with the new

Something of a departure for me: BMW’s F800GS ‘adventure’ bike. Here in 2012 Triple Black guise.

Never had a BMW before but recently, to supplement my ever-dwindling journalism (the rise of the bloody internet, about which I made a killing in the middle-90s writing books and endless features, has now all but put me out of work) I’ve been passing the days part-time as a bike instructor. It’s fun and enjoyable work (yes, even when it’s raining) but a Chennai Royal Enfield in trials trim is not the ideal mount – slow, loud, at best only adequately braked and with no protection. Time to find something new…

Mine. Forgive the lousy pic – it’s pissing down and I don’t want to get wet

I wanted a sit-up riding position for obvious reasons which is where the RE scores to advantage. Push-button starting, good brakes, good fuel economy and sturdy construction were important factors too. For a while I considered a Hinckley Bonnie but frankly, I’ve grown weary of fake classics.

For that reason the cast-wheel Bonnie began to appeal over the wire wheel variety but there’s just something a bit…well, fugly about the bike that I can’t get beyond. Forgive me if your opinion differs but beauty, as is generally accepted, is in the eye of the beholder and this beholder can’t quite equate squat 17-inch cast wheels, a weird fork rake and the bulbous injected Bonnie tank with anything other than a bike that looks like it’s had a front-end shunt.

Okeh so BMW? Well, I’ve never had one and never wanted one. Despite loving Dougie flat twins I’ve never fancied the bottom-heavy breadth of a boxer twin – akin to marrying the top half of the cute-as-a-button Jessica Ennis with the lower quarters of…well, a big fat girl.

Loved by my students but it’s time to give the Bullet a breather

I do, though, like trials, trail and adventure-styled bikes and a rummage online (yes, the internet has its uses) led from the BMW Funduro of the late ’90s via the F650GS single through 650GS twin to the F800GS, 85bhp, twin discs up front, stunning fuel economy, great poise (underseat tank) and…well, you get the picture. It’s a bike you’d love or loathe but I love it!

And – joy of joys! – heated grips! OMG (as young people say) these things are fabulous! (Three exclamation marks in a single line – must be good right?) Yes, aftermarket heated grips are available but generally wouldn’t be sufficiently powered by the types of bike I usually ride and plus, they’re chunky and unwieldy. The BMW grips, allied with hand guards, will keep my dreaded nemesis the evil Dr White Finger at bay.

For a mad moment I also considered the KTM 640 LC4. A lovely bike and dirt cheap, but maybe just a tinsy bit outré for an instructor?

KTM LC4: cool, but not quite the thing when instructing

Oddly enough and despite my expectations, all of my students have heaped praise on the Bullet. It’s a real talking point, and lots of students ask for permission to sit on it which I readily give. At about 40mph in third it’s gloriously on song and despite the exhaust note being heard over the two-way radios, no-one has objected.

But now all that’s just so much fossilised carbon burnt under the bridge. Now it’s onwards to the F800GS…